retarded games

Softball Heaven (NES-1989)

Paul Merrill — Sun, 22 Aug 2004 21:45:00 +0000

I always thought Softball was kind of lame. It seemed like baseball for retards. It wasn't until I met "Softball Heaven" that I learned how wonderful this sport could be.

You see, softball isn't just for girls and fat software engineers at the company picnic. No siree Bobby! It's played by animals, and monsters, and ninjas, and Mike Tyson. And you can play it on the edge of a cliff, or on a tropical island, or on some weird-ass school grounds!

If "Softball Heaven" was actually heaven, then I'd actually want to go there! I'd jump in front of a speeding car right now! Sadly, however, it's just a wonderful NES game from Japan. In "Softball Heaven" you get to pick from a huge selection of bizzaro characters like Frankenstein, a giant panda, a miner, some kinda devil-dude, and, yes, Mike Tyson.

The gamplay is pretty much the straight-up "curve the gamepad" NES-style baseball you'd expect. "Softball Heaven" also features the old "control all the fielders at the same time" defense, so you'll give up cheap inside the park homeruns as you hopelessly try to chase down a routine flyball.

None of that really matter though. You're not playing this game for precise controls and life-like baseball simulation. You're playing this because you want to see Mike Tyson pitch to a tiger.

And that, my friends, is exactly what's missing from games today. Where are the weird animal/monster/disgraced boxer sports games? Where is "Softball Heaven" and how do I get there?

Baby Boomer (NES-1989)

Paul Merrill — Wed, 07 Jul 2004 23:43:00 +0000

You know what's cute? Babies. And you know what's even cuter? Aiming a gun at them!

In Baby Boomer, your job is to protect a wee baby by shooting anything and everything around it. Snakes? Shoot 'em. Cats? Shoot 'em. Baby Bottles? Shoot 'em.

Now, you might be thinking: Hey dumb-ass, is it really a good idea to shoot a gun near an infant? Answer: Yes! You see, this baby is a special baby, designed to withstand the infra-red rays of the mighty Nintendo Zapper. So, you ask again, if this baby is so tough, why do you need to protect it from cats? Answer: I don't know.

In fact, there are a lot of questions that go unanswered in Baby Boomer. Where is this baby going? Where is the baby's deadbeat mommy? Why shouldn't I shoot the "nuggets"?

Color Dreams, the makers of Baby Boomer, were one of the first companies to make unlicensed Nintendo games, and Baby Boomer was their debut title. Nintendo has always kept a tight leash on who gets to make games for their systems, but in the 8-bit era, it was nearly impossible to make a game for the NES without Nintendo's stamp of approval due to a copy-protection chip in the cartridge. Using the nerdy powers of reverse engineering, the programmers at Color Dreams figured out a work around. Now, nothing could stop them from unleashing their retarded games upon the world!

After the incredible un-success of Baby Boomer, they made other retarded games like Master Chu & the Drunken Fu and Operation Secret Storm (featuring Saddam Hussein as the cover-boy). They later changed their name to Wisdom Tree and made retarded bible games, the likes of which only Rod and Todd would ever play.

Bad Dudes (NES-1989)

Paul Merrill — Sun, 06 Jun 2004 02:00:00 +0000

"THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT?" - Bad Dudes

You know, in these peaceful times we live in today, it's easy to forget that back in the 1980's, America was under siege by an army of ninjas. Thanks to BAD DUDES , we shall never forget. Never, ever, never.

In BAD DUDES, you get to be one of the "bad dudes" (or "gay porn stars"), BLADE or STRIKER. How can I choose when they both look so delicious?!

Your mission: punch and kick ninjas! Then, punch and kick some more. And watch out for those goddamned throwing stars - they can chafe! You kick, punch, and jump all over some city ("Dude City", perhaps?), and sometimes on top of your Dudesmobile.

Finally, after kicking and punching 875,000 identical ninjas and a few assorted blobby bosses, you save the president. Hooray.

Hey, that's George W! How could they know he was going to be president way back in 1989? Could it be that BAD DUDES is not just some crappy video game from the 80's, but actually a mystical artifact that can foretell the future?

For the sake of all that is good, let us pray it is just an unfortunate coincidence, for mankind cannot withstand a muscle-shirt revival.

Tag Team Wrestling (NES-1986)

Paul Merrill — Fri, 04 Jun 2004 23:01:00 +0000

I love wrestling games. Always have. When I was a kid, I used to have dreams about the Mat Mania game at my local 7-11. Perhaps it was just my teenaged sexual confusion, but there was just something magical about having crudely rendered “people” beat the crap out of each other.

I guess there's something magical about TAG TEAM WRESTLING too: It's magically RETARDED! You start out as the "RICKY FIGHTERS" (!), a misfit pair of wrestlers who may be brothers, or lovers, or both. Your first obstacles on the path to glory are the "STRONG BADS"(!!), another pair of globby things that might be people. They are also your second, third, fourth, and fifth obstacles (My soul began to ache at that point).

As you can see, Strong Bad is clearly breaking the rules by kicking me repeatedly in the shin. That’s against the rules, right?

Damn you, Strong Bads! You may have won this battle, but next time it will be your shins that will have the little starry thingy floating over them! A winner is Ricky Fighters!!